Life Update on Leadiiinglady 🌸

Hi guys! Leadiiinglady here 💜

I know, I know. It’s been forever since I’ve written a blog post. Haven’t updated this site in almost 4 months WHEW. I apologize, especially to my followers, for being AWOL. I have been crazy busy since August and I’m still pretty busy now. And so you can imagine how surprised I was to check my blog and see that the interaction I’m still getting is INSANE and so THANK YOUUUUU to those who still check out my blog. It means so much!!!!!!!!

Okay, so back to the reason I’m writing this blog post – here’s a major update on my life: I’M MOVING TO NEW YORK ON DECEMBER 30. Yup. This girl is moving to the big apple in less than 2 months. (That’s pretty much the reason why I haven’t been active.) I’ve been fixing my plans, figuring out how to settle down over there, spending time with my loved ones and pretty much enjoying and savoring every bit of my tropical life here in the Philippines.

If you guys don’t know, I’m moving to New York to fulfill my life long dream of studying Musical Theatre. Since I was a little girl, this was my ultimate goal and now that it’s actually happening – I am very overwhelmed. I sometimes still cry just thinking about it. I can’t believe this dream of mine is coming true… it’s not even a dream anymore – it’s going to be my reality in 2 months!!!!!!!! And to make everything feel even more real – I LEGIT PAID DOWNPAYMENT FOR THE PLACE IM STAYING AT THERE!!!! AHHHHHH!!!

ANYWAYYYYYY

Now you guys might be wondering – will “leadiiinglady” still exist in New York?

Well, the answer is YES. Although I’m going to be busy with 10-7 classes almost everyday, I will be sure to update this blog with more makeup posts, skincare reviews, fashion lookbooks PLUS an inside look at my crazy life in the city that never sleeps (I mean how can I not blog about this amazing experience I’m going to have??!!!) I know that it won’t always be easy but I’m looking forward to experiencing new things in a new country with people who share the same passion as I do.

At the end of the day, all I can say is that I feel blessed. Again, thank you so much for sticking by me and supporting my passions these past few months. It means soooo much. I wish you guys all the best and I can’t wait to share my New York life with you guys.

Til next time! 💜

leadiiinglady

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Embracing your Beauty Marks; Appreciating Oneself More

I’ve been meaning to post this for a while but it’s been difficult for me to finish it. This is due to many reasons: One, I didn’t know how to write this (I kept thinking, what do I say first? Should I be open about everything? What am I trying to say here?) but soon I decided to not think about those things and just let my thoughts flow and my hands, write. Two, I was hesitant to post this (What’s the point when no one will listen? Will my voice even be heard? Is this post just a rant for me? A way to let things out?) No, I decided to post this for those who may be going through the same thing as I am. And three, I kept asking myself, will this make a difference? (at the end of the day, am I doing good?) Even after I’ve posted this, I’m still asking myself that question but hopefully soon, I’ll know the answer.

Before we get to it, I am warning you guys that this post is quite long. It’s all words and so it might be difficult to get through but hopefully, if you choose to continue reading, you’ll get more out of it than just plain words on a blog post. This is something very personal. I’ve poured my whole heart and soul into each and every word and as a result unmasked my insecurities and fears. It was hard but I’m just hoping that all of this, in the end, will be worth it.

Okay, here we go.

***

To you who might be reading this,

Let me just start by saying, “no one’s perfect”. As cliché as that statement is, it is true. No one is perfect. But there are people who wish they were, who twist their minds into thinking perfection is the aim, who believe that they can only be happy once they have it – and if I am being completely honest here, I used to be one of them. I’d look at myself, with such hate and disgust because what I saw in the mirror wasn’t perfection but the exact opposite. And so what did I do? I pretended. I tried so hard to trick myself into thinking, ‘my life is perfect’… I’m not gonna lie. I’m about as insecure as it gets. Even about the littlest things. And what would I do about them? Face them? Accept them? god no. I was a coward. I hid them. I denied them. I acted like they didn’t exist. And everything seemed to be going fine until one day, it finally hit me. Because ‘pretending’, I realized, can only get you so far. Recently, I had a breakdown, a big one. I just couldn’t keep everything under control. The imperfections were slowly showing. My insecurities were creeping up. And I broke. I don’t know, maybe it was my anxiety, maybe I was finally tired of wearing a facade.

But that’s when I said, no. I don’t want to be that person anymore.

I don’t want to be insecure my whole life. I don’t want to be afraid of imperfection. I don’t want my insecurities and imperfections to make me weak. No. I want to embrace them. I want them to make me strong. I want to stand by them and be able to shout, “Yes! That’s me!” I guess that’s one reason why I made this blog in the first place. Do I have perfect skin? No. Do I have a perfect body? No. Do I have a perfect life? Hell no. Then why write about it and share it with the world? Because it is still MY skin, MY body, MY life and God knows I should be proud of all of that. And so with this blog, I want to inspire those who feel that they’re not good enough to post pictures or write about their passions or everyday lives. So what if you don’t have enough cash to travel every weekend to post about it? So what if you’re not the most popular girl on the block? So what if you don’t have flawless skin or a sexy body? So what? I mean, ask yourself “would having all that make you a better person?”

Okay, first thing’s first, let’s delve deeper into the topic of being “physically attractive”. Do you have those days when you just wish God could’ve given you better skin? Yeah? Well, same, I’ve been there. There were times when I’d wake up in the morning and spend ten minutes staring in the mirror, ready to burst into tears. Perfect skin? What’s that??? Nope, don’t have it. Not even close. Never. I have far from perfect skin and to be honest, I don’t even remember how much money I’ve spent on treatments and products to end my problems with acne, dark spots and all of that. Did you know that I used to not want to leave my house if I didn’t have at least some makeup on? Yeah, that bad. I hid my blemishes and my scars and it was so obvious that I was trying so hard to do so. Cause the truth is, you can’t just cover them up and pretend they’re not there. Cause they are. You see it and other people see it. No matter how much foundation or concealer you have on. I learned that the hard way. My parents used to tell me, “Why don’t you stop wearing makeup and just let your skin breathe?” You know what I said? “No, it’s fine. I don’t want people to see all my blemishes and marks”. And guess what? That just made the whole problem worse. I realized it when it was too late. And now I have a lot more scars and dark spots. All because I chose to be stubborn. I couldn’t help it. I was embarrassed. But now I choose not to see them as something negative anymore. I choose to see them as beauty marks. Because they make me, me. I choose now to accept them and consider them as reminders of what I went through when I was younger and that I got through it. Today, some followers message me, “how do I get rid of my acne?” or “how do I lighten my scars” or “how do I make my skin look better?” And I always tell them that I don’t know the answer cause I haven’t figured it out yet. But what do I do? I choose to take care of my skin. I choose to love my skin. Although my face isn’t ‘flawless’, I feel good because I know that I am taking good care of my skin – and that makes me happy. 

“Okay, how about your body, KC? I mean, you don’t have a right to feel bad, you’re not fat.” Yeah, I’m not on the heavy side – not even close. But do those comments make me feel better about myself? No. Growing up, I’ve always been conscious of my weight. Because I had a hard time gaining. I am underweight – I feel scrawny – I look ‘too thin’. People used to give me comments like “Omg KC, you’re so skinny!” and “Oh do your boobs even exist???” And as much as I laughed at those statements, they did sting. Because my body wasn’t something I was proud of. Aside from my weight, I was conscious about other parts of my body, such as my back. When I was younger, I used to get really bad rashes and I scratched them a lot which led to me growing up with dark marks all over. This sucked big time. I would look at other girls in backless swimsuits with flawless bodies and think, “Why couldn’t I have looked like that?”. Tbh, it took me so long to actually feel confident in a swimsuit – so long (and today, I’m still not even 100% confident). I used to try so hard to cover myself up, to dodge people’s comments/reactions, to not care. But that didn’t change anything.

All these imperfections have been plaguing me my whole life that it came to a point when I felt hopeless, helpless and most of all, ugly. I felt so f*cking ugly. I’d wake up feeling terrible about myself and that eventually led me to completely stop caring about myself. Really. There was a time when I didn’t care about how I looked, I didn’t care about how I dressed, I didn’t care about myself at all.

And that’s when my anxiety started kicking in. I got conscious about the littlest things. I felt insecure all the time to the point that I would push loved ones away because I would take out all my anger and frustrations out on them. Soon, I was also ‘mentally imperfect’. I no longer had this positive radiance that KC Kane used to have. No. I was empty inside. I remember breaking down countless times in the middle of the night. I remember pulling my hair and punching walls out of frustration, anger and sadness. I remember asking myself, “Kc, why couldn’t you have been better?” Bottom line: I was a mess.

Until I finally looked in the mirror and saw a sad girl wasting her whole damn life.

I’ll admit, my life is not perfect. Yet I can’t deny that there are so many things that are great about it: I come from a family who loves me and shows it every single day, I have a home – a room to call my own, I was able to go to school and graduate college, I have a boyfriend who makes me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world and I have true friends who support me and cheer me on even on the shittiest of days.

It got me thinking, how could I let all of them down like that?

But most of all, how could I let myself down like that?

And so, this is for all of you who are going through the same thing right now, struggling in this difficult world trying so hard to hide your imperfections and insecurities: Embrace yourself. Cherish yourself. Love yourself. No one is perfect. No one is supposed to be.

Here are some things I learned going through all of that that I’d like for all of you to keep in mind:

One, don’t let social media rule your life. Social media tends to corrupt our minds into thinking, “Wow look at her Instagram feed! Her life must be perfect!” or “He has such nice skin, what could possibly go wrong with his life?”. The truth is, everyone struggles with their own demons every single day, no matter how happy their tweets are or how beautiful their Instagram feed is. Don’t let social media be the judge of how you see people but most of all, don’t let it be the judge of how you see yourself.

Two, haters gotta hate. Enjoying life but haters got you down? Tbh, there will always be haters. Someone once told me, “When you have haters, that’s a sign you’re doing great in life. They’re just hating on you cause they’re jealous.” And that has always stuck to me. Haters will always be there – even in people who you call “friends”. There will always be a tweet, a facebook post, an instagram story bashing you and your happiness. And so, here’s a bit of advice on how to deal with them, don’t stoop down to their level and bash them back. Instead, thank them. You know why? Because at the end of the day, they make you strive to become a better person. They’re hating on all the good you’re doing with your life – Good. Do more. When they bash you and hate on you, use that to be better. Use that to fuel you. And in the end, they will no longer be your haters but reminders of what you’ve overcome and how much of a stronger and better person you are now – because of them. Ironic isn’t it? Just like your insecurities, don’t let them control you. Succumbing to your haters and your insecurities gives them the power to measure your worth and honestly who are they to say how much you’re worth? You are the one in charge. You’re the one who calls the shots. You write your own story. Just you and you alone.

Three, at the end of the day always choose to love yourself and appreciate yourself as a person. That’s a beautiful word, “appreciate”. Perfection isn’t the goal. Appreciation is. Living isn’t easy. Sometimes it gets so f*cking hard. But you know what? You’re still here. And that means something. That is being brave. You just don’t give yourself enough credit for it. Appreciate yourself, please. You’ve come so far and many of you, just like me, are only getting started. We all have one life to live. It’s time to make the most out of it.

Someone once told me to “Rise & Shine: Rise above everything that brings you down and let the best parts of you shine.” Here’s to hoping after reading this, you continue to shine bright! Because you are a beautiful human being.

Tbh, it feels good to have had said all that after everything I’ve gone through. This post is going to serve as my reminder that I am choosing to embrace myself: imperfections, insecurities and all. This will be my reminder that I have changed my way of thinking and the way I look at myself and that I am not going to look bad and treat myself as I had before.

As I am ending this, I have to admit that the road I’m on won’t be easy. I haven’t figured it all out yet. I’m still not as confident as I want to be and I still don’t appreciate myself as much as I should but I know, in time, I’ll get there.

And so will you.

Til the next post ✨

leadiiinglady xx

The Everyday “I do’s”

Valentine’s Day.

For some people this is a day they look forward to because it’s a day they get to share with a loved one while for others, this is a day they dread because it reminds them that they’re single or in other words, “forever alone”.

For some it’s filled with flower bouquets, chocolates and fancy dinners while for others it’s filled with chick flicks alone in bed, a table for one and chocolates bought for oneself.

Well, this post is for everyone out there. Whether you’re married, in a complicated relationship, single or dating.

Here, I share with you some random thoughts, poems, articles, writings about different kinds of love. Note: I’m not much of a writer and so this is a big step out “into the light” for me. And yes, they’re quite, personal, I know. But I believe these are thoughts and feelings that need to be shared because who knows? You might have felt the same way too.

And so I give you a glimpse into my little world of love that has brought both pleasure & pain.

***

What Love Feels Like

I wonder what love feels like.

I wonder how it feels

To think about someone

To have someone greet you goodmorning and goodnight

To have someone hold your hand

To hear someone say ‘I miss you’

To have someone be your plus one

To have someone you can spoil

To have someone you can cuddle with

To have someone you can call your ‘partner’.

I wonder how it feels to have someone who won’t make you second guess if you’re pretty enough, good enough or smart enough to be loved.

But hey, I’d like to think I am already loved.

Loved by my own self.

How about you?

***

I Fell in Love with Him like How You Learn to Ride a Bike

I fell in love with him like how you learn to ride bike.

At first, you start slow. You’re extra careful because even with the training wheels, you feel that at any moment you could fall. You’re wearing a helmet and those elbow and knee pads for extra safety just in case you lose control or take a wrong turn. And you make sure your dad is always beside you, ready to catch you when you fall.

When you start getting the hang of things, you ask your dad to watch you from a distance. You start peddling a little faster knowing that the helmet and pads will protect you. Hell, you even have training wheels and so you know balancing won’t be a problem.

Then, you get a little more confident. You ask your dad to take off the training wheels. First, you start out slow and you notice it’s a little harder without them, but you take a chance and ride it out. You fall a few times but you realize that it doesn’t hurt so bad. You start to peddle faster and you learn that it actually makes balancing a lot easier.You now feel the wind through your hair and enjoy the feeling.

Now, you don’t bother to put on your helmet or your knee pads. You run out the door, grab your bike and just go. Because you’re not afraid. In fact, you’re brave. Brave to the point that you’ve become reckless. You jump head first because you’re so willing to take the risk. And so when you do, you give it your all and just fall.

And that’s exactly what I did. I just fell.

I fell for you.

***

How Do I Say ‘I love you’

How do I say I love you without lifetime guarantee no mention of forever between you and me?

How do I say I need you, all your flaws all your fears?

How do I say please stay ’til morning? Please don’t disappear.

What do I say when what I feel for you is more than what I had planned?

That I bravely crossed the line and there’s no more going back

What if this is what its come to taking chances, taking falls?

When I say I love you, will you answer my call?

***

“I Hate You” I said.

I’m nothing more than your ‘right now’. 

Is that all I’m worth?

Should I dare go for you ‘forever’?

Or maybe it’s just pointless.

And so I’ll tell you that I hate you

I hate how happy you make me with just a simple “hello”.

I hate how I catch you staring at me, smiling.

I hate how you tell me to take care of myself.

I hate how perfect it feels when we’re together.

I hate how I feel pain and you feel nothing.

I hate how I imagine a future with you, a future I may never even be part of.

But most of all, I hate how I can’t hate you.

I hate how I love you too much that it kills me everyday.

It’s not fair. It will never be fair. And so maybe I should just accept it. 

Because loving you is all I’ll ever know.

***

Lover or Career?

This has been a reason for conflict among couples for ages.

Let’s say you want to travel abroad to pursue your dream but your partner has no plans of going abroad.

So what do you do? Do you choose to go abroad to pursue your career or do you stay, for him/her?

Well, first of all, a partner who really cares about you should be a source of inspiration, not a distraction. He/she should make you want to fulfill your dreams, not give them up.

Secondly, he/she shouldn’t make you dread the days ’til you leave but instead make you look forward to it. This isn’t easy, but if he/she really loves you, he/she would make every day count instead of making you feel bad until you have to get on that plane and go.

Third, a partner who really loves you should remind you to stay on track and to keep in line with your goals. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to have someone who says “Baby, don’t forget about your workshop today.” or “Hey, I found this class you could take that could help you when you’re studying abroad.” or “Babe, don’t forget to send your application today!” Those are the makings of a great boyfriend/girlfriend and not just that but a partner for life. He/She’s showing you that he/she wants you to succeed even if it’s hard for her/him to see you go.

Fourth, a partner who really loves you would never ever ever ever ask you to stay for him/her. Why? Because your partner should know just how bad you want this, how bad you want to get out there to fulfill your dreams and at the same time.

Honestly, no matter what, you should always put yourself and your dreams first because you only get one shot. And when it’s time for your partner to take his/her own shot, you’ll be there too.

So what should you choose, lover or career? Well, I say… why not both? I believe that if you really want something, you’ll work for it. And that when two people really love each other, they’ll always find a way, even when they’re 5896539238901 miles apart.

***

This is How I’ll Love You

I am not perfect.

Please don’t expect me to be.

I will make mistakes. I will do stupid things that I will regret the morning after. I will be stubborn and reckless and mean. I will forget the things you say and I will always say I’m right.

But if there’s one thing I can do, it’s to promise to love you with all that I am.

I promise to greet you every morning and every night.

I promise to say sorry (eventually) after every fight.

I promise to support you in all your endeavors, even if it means time taken away from me.

I promise to always tell you about my day and to ask you about yours.

I promise to sing to you and dance with you when you ask me to (even if I end up looking awkward and silly).

I promise to listen to all your rants & problems even when you’re whiney.

I promise to make up with you and never let a fight last too long.

I promise to go on all kinds of adventures with you, even if it’s just a trip to the nearest Burger King.

I promise to kiss all your tears away when you feel like you’re breaking down.

I promise to appreciate you, all your efforts, all your acts of love.

I promise to keep you on track when you’re falling behind, even if it means pushing you to your limits.

I promise to never forget you, even if one day, we may have to go our separate ways. *knocks on wood*

Cause that’s what true love is, that despite everything, despite time, distance and circumstance, you still choose to love the person, no matter what.

***

A Little More Time

All I need is just a little more time

A little more time to hold you

Cause even if I have a lifetime

Forever doesn’t even seem long enough

And all I ask is just a little more time

A little more time to love you

***

The Everyday “I Do’s”

Love is about the everyday ‘I do’s’.

It’s not “make a choice now, go with the flow forever”.

Love is about choosing your person everyday.

Why?

Because love isn’t perfect.

Love isn’t some fairytale story about true love that lasts forever.

You work hard for real love.

Love isn’t about the choice you made but the choices you make everyday.

Because love has it’s good days and it’s bad days.

During the bad days, you may feel like giving up.

Like moving on to someone else would make things easier.

Or ending everything would put your stress to rest.

No.

If you really love your person and want the relationship to work, then choose you person.

Every single damn day.

Even on the bad days when you don’t feel the spark anymore or you don’t feel excitement anymore.

Because I swear if it’s real love, it’s there.

It will always be there.

You just have to open your eyes and see it.

Life gets in the way all the time but that doesn’t give you a reason to quit.

Because when you truly love someone, it isn’t just for a week or just a day,

it’s forever.

***

Life is hard.

Sometimes, life makes you want to close up your heart and be selfish.

But whatever you do, don’t.

Always always choose to love.

***

Hope you enjoyed my short love post 💕 And I hope you guys are all having a great Valentine’s day! (Even if you’re one of those who call this day ‘Single- Awareness Day’ 😉 cause hey, I’ve been there)

Don’t forget to spread the love! 💘

leadiiinglady xx

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Instagram: @leadiiinglady

Twitter: @leadiiinglady

Stay tuned for my next post:

10 different lipstick shades & how to rock ’em 😉💄

Disclaimer: These are my perosnal works and opinions 🙂